Preparing for Sisters

PREPARING FOR SISTERS

I have a 2 year old daughter and am currently pregnant with our second (due in August). We recently had the anatomy scan and found out there’s another little girl in there – just delightful news for me. I absolutely love having a daughter and having another one is bound to be all the more blessing (although I am sure there is equal blessing in having a son!).

I have wondered though – what will it be like raising two girls close in age in terms of sibling dynamics? I didn’t get a sister myself until I was 12 years old, which I would assume to be a very different sort of relationship to two girls only a couple of years apart. So I don’t know very much about the “sister politics” and how best to deal with them. I know sisters who are very close to each other, and sisters who have fought and not got along for most of their lives. I know it can swing either way but I’ve been wondering – what are the influencing factors? Is it a case of “you get what you’re given” or will I as a mother be able to direct my girls to love and care for each other rather than fight and hate one another?

So I’ve been talking to sisters, in the interest of research. My questions have been:

• Did you and your sister get along with each other when you were growing up? Do you get along now?
• What do you think influenced your relationship to be the way it was/is?

This is what I’ve learnt.

SISTERS ARE DIFFERENT

I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone yet who has said that she and her sister are very similar. One tends to be more outgoing, more organised, more creative, more sporty, more this, that or the next thing. They have different strengths and different weaknesses. Some look quite different (although some look quite similar too). The message I’m getting is: I’m unlikely to get another girl just like my firstborn.

SISTERS FIGHT

Probably related to the fact that sisters are different, is that sisters fight. When they’re young, they fight over toys and which movie to watch. When they’re teenagers, they fight over the hair straightener or the fact that the other one won’t stop singing.  When they’re adults, the fighting tends to drop off (mostly because they don’t live together anymore! Or perhaps maturity? Hehe).

SISTERS COMPETE WITH OR APPRECIATE ONE ANOTHER

This is where I saw different stories emerging. While everyone said that they were different to their sister and that they had had plenty of fights in their lives, not everyone said that they felt in competition with their sister. I was interested to find out why. From what I can gather, it seems to be primarily to do with being able to appreciate each other’s differences rather than feeling threatened by them. Feeling threatened created jealousy, which would lead to more fights and less caring for the other person. On the other hand, recognising that each sister had her own strengths and weaknesses which were just as valid as the other’s enabled them to let go of trying to compete and instead appreciate what made each person uniquely them (much like we do with our friends).

WHAT ROLE DO PARENTS PLAY?

It seems that sisters found it much easier to get along and appreciate one another if their parents did the following things:

• Praised each one for her own unique qualities/abilities.
• Encouraged their daughters to appreciate the positive traits and successes of the other one.
• Reminded them that they were family and needed to learn to get along (one lady I spoke to said that her mother often used to say to her and her sister “You only have each other, you need to make the most of it.”)
• Treated both equally, no favouritism.
• Intervened during arguments, helped to sort out the problem and encouraged them to get over their differences and forgive one another.

SISTERS CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

The sister relationship is a unique one with the potential to be deep and rich. There is something special about having the same parents, growing up in the same environment and sharing many childhood memories. Sisters can be most themselves with each other because they’ve already seen it all growing up. And if they are able to appreciate, rather than feel threatened by, their differences, all this can even lead to sisters becoming the best of friends.

I’d really like that for my daughters.

WHAT ELSE?

I am sure there are many other things that contribute to positive sister relationships, other than the small amount of information I have gathered. What else can you tell me? How have you and your sister learnt to get along? Or, on the other hand, what has caused difficulties in your relationship? Have your parents had much to do with it?