Why Being a Stay-at-Home Mum Hasn’t Made Me Dumb

I think it is fairly safe to say that being a stay-at-home mum is not the norm anymore (at least not beyond the first year of a child’s life). Most women go back to work quite quickly after having a baby, and society tends to assume that this is what will happen. In my first pregnancy, I remember being asked countless times at work when I would be coming back after I had our daughter – it was just assumed that I would be at some point.

Such is life, the result of feminism, blah blah blah. I get that women go back to work for various reasons and that it’s pretty hard to survive on a single income for many families. But one thing I do object to – there seems to be an assumption in society that you don’t use your brain very much when you are at home looking after your children full time. And this is promoted as a reason that mothers should go back to the workforce. I have heard women say “I felt like I was getting dumb being at home with the kids. It’s good to be back at work using my brain again.”

Say what?????

THE MUSHY BRAIN PHASE

Ok, so I will concede that when you have a newborn, your brain tends to stop functioning for a while. You’re not getting much sleep and it doesn’t take a lot of brain power to feed, burp, change nappies and dangle toys in front of your baby’s face.  Then collapse in exhaustion the rest of the time. I would call this the “mushy brain” phase of motherhood, and it lasts a few months – not a lot you can do about it.

THE WORKING-OUT-A-ROUTINE PHASE

Babies get older though. They don’t just eat then go back to sleep straightaway anymore. This is where the mother has to start thinking a bit – how do I manage my baby’s day and ensure that all his/her needs are being met? I spent the longest time just figuring out when the best times in the day for my daughter’s naps were. She was so much happier when she was well-rested that it really was worth figuring out and then implementing a sleep routine that worked for her. This took quite a bit of reading, talking to other mums and plain old trial-and-error. Then, just when I had figured it out, her needs changed again and there was another time of transition into a new routine. It kept me on my toes, for sure!

THE DISCIPLINE AND TRAINING PHASE

When your child gets older still, you start to have to teach them things. Like, grabbing a toy off another child is not ok. Like saying please and thank you. Like how to interrupt you politely when you’re having a conversation with somebody (this takes a loooooooooong time for them to learn). This is the phase I am up to at the moment and I imagine it will go on for quite some time yet. It’s such an important phase too, because you are teaching your child how to be a decent human being and a productive member of society. This is crucial stuff!

I wonder if part of the reason women feel like they’re getting dumb at home is because they often go back to work before they reach this phase, before they have to start thinking hard about how they are going to effectively teach their children basic life skills. It is pretty common for a woman to go back to work when her child reaches about a year old, but at this point the “training and discipline phase” hasn’t really been reached. Not in the way it will be in about 6-12 months’ time. Women figure there isn’t really much to do at home with their baby/toddler and that it could just as easily be accomplished at day care while they do something more productive (i.e. work). The decision is made too soon though, before it becomes apparent how much thought is required to effectively train and discipline your child. If the mother had held on just a bit longer, she may have realised that there was plenty to occupy her brain with, without going back to the workforce!

It’s just a thought though, I could be wrong.

SPECIALISING IN YOUR CHILD

There are other things to note about using your brain as a mother. One is that you’re a specialist – your specialty is your children. You know when your baby is tired and needs to sleep. You know their signs of hunger. You know approximately how long your baby feeds for/how much milk they need. You know different techniques to settle them when they are upset. You know how to make them giggle. When they get older, you learn what the most effective discipline techniques for them are (this can often vary from child to child). You work out how to get them to eat their veggies. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Noone would say that a brain surgeon uses their brain less than a GP, because their knowledge is not as broad. It should be the same when we consider stay-at-home mothers – they don’t use their brain less because (for a time) it is primarily occupied with one thing, being raising their children effectively. It’s just a specialised use of their brain, and equally as valuable as any other sort.

KEEPING YOUR CHILD OCCUPIED

I’m giving this a separate heading because this takes up so much of my brain space! My daughter is 2 now, and she is awake for about 10 hours of the day. She is extremely active and always wants to be learning or doing something. If I don’t provide her with constructive ways to spend her energy, she gets into mischief and/or annoys the heck out of me. So it is a large part of my job to direct her to activities that will help her to learn and develop appropriate skills. A 2-year-old doesn’t have a long attention span either, so it’s not like I can set her up with something that she’ll play with happily for a few hours – it’s more like every 15-30 minutes that she will come back to me and need redirecting again (some days are worse than others!). I have to be creative and varied about the things I am giving her to do and this takes quite a bit of thought and effort.

OTHER WAYS TO ENGAGE YOUR BRAIN

I’m not going to lie – there is also down time when you are a stay-at-home mum, particularly if you only have one child (like I do at the moment). My daughter’s afternoon nap time is bliss for me, because it gives me a chance to think about/do something else. I have tried to use this time to engage my brain in things that will benefit it. These are some of the things I do:

• Gardening – there is lots to learn about growing and caring for plants. I have spent a lot of time reading on the topic, as well as learning through trial and error.
• Reading mentally stimulating books – my most recent endeavour has been John Owen’s book, “Indwelling Sin in Believers”. It’s a heavy theological book that I need to concentrate on, underline things and write notes in order to understand and remember the content. I think it helps grow me as a person. If you’re interested in what I’ve learnt, I’ve done a blog post series on it that you can read.
• Blogging – this is a recent hobby that I’ve taken up and I’m really loving it. I find it helps me to get my thoughts straight about things and I’m sure that writing is good for my language skills.
• Household management – keeping a household running smoothly takes thought too. I try to spend time planning nutritious meals for my family. I am the one who calls around and deals with salespeople when we are reviewing our internet plan or buying roller shutters, for instance (you really have to be switched on not to get conned in my experience!). When we have to buy something, I do the research to figure out what the best deal is within our budget. Not all household tasks necessarily require much brain power, but organising my time to ensure I get everything done often does.

Those are the main things for me, but I’m sure there are many other ways to engage your brain at home as well. What are some of the things you do?

WORKING AT HOME ≠ DUMB

I hope I’ve proved that working full time at home as a mum and household manager does not mean you stop using your brain. I don’t feel dumb in the slightest, even though I have been out of the workforce now for two years (although I’m sure that if I tried to pick up my old job as an Occupational Therapist now, I would be pretty rusty!).  I use my brain in different ways than I used to when I was working fulltime outside the home, but I still use it. And like in any job, I can choose to use it more or choose to use it less – but it’s far better for me and everyone else if I take the first option and give myself wholeheartedly to being a stay-at-home mum for this season of my life.

My main point is that being a part of the workforce is only ONE way to use your brain and contribute, and I would love it if society started to recognise and promote other ways too – like the valuable knowledge that stay-at-home mums have and the work they are doing to bring up the next generation. Who’s with me?